The Caregiver, The Truck Driver and The Mail-Order Bride
By Megan Wilde © 2006
CHARACTERS
EVA: Overburdened and helpless caregiver for her 5-year-old grandson Bobby and her husband Ian; Pat’s mother; sweet, saintly woman in her early 60s; never learned how to deal with anger; the type of rural Texan grandmother who wears red sweatshirts with puff-paint kittens, has an overpopulated display cabinet of Hummel figurines, and buys Avon gift bags for her neighbor’s kids
PAT: Eva’s son; Bobby’s father; late 30s; overworked and paranoid truck driver; avoids eye contact; genuinely cares about Bobby, his son; totally estranged from Borislava, his wife; inattentive and absent-minded overall – had he been born in the 90s he’d be a sure case of ADD; shifts nervously, grunts and mutters a lot, almost like Rainman but without the innocence and charm; goes into a more articulate sort of lecture mode when angry or talking about conspiracy theories
BORISLAVA: Pat’s tattered Ukrainian mail-order bride; Bobby’s mother; late 20s/early 30s; speaks broken English with a strong accent; a manicurist; she learned to dress and act like an American by watching MTV in the 80s; everyone pronounces her name with a Texan twang, “Booris-lavah”
IAN: Eva’s husband; Pat’s father; late 60s; diabetic and two-time stroke survivor; a mute character who alternates between sleeping and making a variety of dour faces while trying to ignore the world around him; spends the days in his La-Z-Boy recliner watching the History Channel
AT RISE:
(Two a.m. EVA and IAN’s cluttered living room. The décor of their house has been left untouched since they bought it in the early 70s. EVA is asleep in a kitchen chair with a vacuum tube across her lap. IAN is slumped in his recliner nearby, wrapped in a blanket, drowsily watching television.)
(Pat enters the room, oblivious to it being the middle of the night. He goes straight to EVA and tries to wake her.)
PAT
Mom.
EVA
(groans)
PAT
(unnecessarily loud) Mom.
EVA
(wakes up startled)
Oh God! Bobby!
PAT
Bobby?
EVA
Oh, oh... Pat. I was dreaming… I thought something happened to Bobby… But he’s just sleeping back there in his room…. (noticing vacuum) Good lord! I must have fallen asleep cleaning up my dust bunnies. (moves vacuum and gets up to hug PAT)
PAT
(accepts hug without reciprocating)
Hm. Sleeping huh?
EVA
Well, yes, Pat, I was sleeping. It’s two in the morning! Why are you home so early? We thought you wouldn’t be back until tomorrow night?
PAT
Got done early. There wasn’t a load in Denver for me. These trucks from Mexico are getting everything now. They’ll work for nothing, even though they ain’t supposed to. And no one can see what they’re carrying up here. Mm… Anyway, I got some time off so I can go to Port Aransas.
EVA
That’s wonderful Pat! Lord knows you need a break from driving. Three weeks on the road is just too much. Too much time by yourself, thinking about all that conspiracy nonsense you read. And too much time to be away from Bobby and Borislava. They’re going to the beach too?
PAT
Huh? Oh no. No, no, Bobby’s not allowed on this trip.
EVA
Oh? That’s too bad. He’d just love to be with y’all for awhile. Playing on the beach with his mama and daddy, like you used to do with your mama and daddy when you were five.
PAT
Na, na, he can’t come with me. Ain’t safe for a little guy.
EVA
Hmmm…
PAT
(pause) Got him a dog in Denver though.
EVA
You what?! Pat, you’ve got to stop getting so many poor dogs. Good lord, Pat, you’ve already lost the two dogs you picked up in Salt Lake City last month. The animal shelter there called me, telling me to come get my dogs. I thought “Good night, why would my dogs be in Salt Lake City?” But they meant your dogs Pat.
PAT
This dog’s for Bobby. One of them Eskimo dogs he likes.
EVA
Why would you bring a poor snow dog to live in one-hundred-and-three degree heat here in Rockwall? And where’s he gonna live Pat? I’ve already got four of your dogs in my backyard already and I just can’t take care of another one. And you don’t even have a fence at your place Pat! That’s why your sweet beagle dog went running after those goats and got himself shot by your trigger-happy neighbor. And I’m the one that had to take the poor little guy to the vet and have him put down. You just can’t keep bringing home these …
PAT
(interrupts) Where’s Borislava?
EVA
Are you taking her to Port Aransas?
PAT
Na, she can’t go either. She’s gotta keep doing nails at the beauty parlor.
EVA
Hmm… Did she tell you about her car?
PAT
Na, what’s wrong with her car?
EVA
Well, Pat, it’s been at the mechanic since just after you left. She hasn’t been home now in two weeks. Something about the mechanic wanting 200 dollars to fix it and her not wanting to pay that much for an “old car, Mom” (mimicking Russian accent). Good lord, she couldn’t get a new car for 200 bucks that’s for sure. And she can’t get home from work every night without some kind of car.
PAT
Where’s she been then?
EVA
Some friend’s place in Irving, I think. You know, I can just barely understand her. She really needs to finish those English classes, Pat. I just can’t imagine, living here in America for six years, you’d think she’d want to learn to talk like us, wouldn’t you? But, what do I know? I’m not Russian and I didn’t grow up having to be a communist. So I just shouldn’t judge.
PAT
Ukrainian, Mom. I ordered her from the Ukraine.
EVA
Oh yes… (uncomfortable with the mail-order reference) But Pat, maybe you could ask her about the car? And see if you can convince her to come home sometimes? Just to see poor little Bobby even. He misses you so much, and for her to be gone this long too just isn’t fair on him. Not to mention me. I need to take care of myself too, Pat. I love your Bobby like he were my own, but I’ve had him for two weeks now and I…
(pauses...careful not to say anything resentful about taking care of Bobby but needing to vent her desperation)
You know, Pat, I’m 62 years old and it’s like I have two kids! Your daddy here…since he had that second stroke he can’t do anything but watch the History Channel. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to leave him alone with his blood sugar so messed up. But I have to start working again…so I just don’t know, Pat. I have to start making some money or I won’t be able to take care of him or Bobby.
PAT
(suddenly angry) What can I do Mom? I do all I can. Not to mention all the shit going on out there you don’t even know about.
EVA
I know Pat, you work so hard…
PAT
Ah hell, I don’t have time for this. Hm. Where’s my suitcase?
EVA
I think it’s in Bobby’s room. He’s sleeping though. You don’t need it right now anyway do you? When are you leaving for Port Aransas?
PAT
After I get my suitcase. I gotta be there at exactly eight a.m.
EVA
What? Good lord Pat, I thought you’d at least be home long enough to see your wife and child tomorrow.
PAT
I’m going to see Bobby right now. I got some birthday presents to give him finally.
EVA
Oh, what did you get him?
PAT
Well, I got him a little alien pirate from the museum in Roswell, one of them green plastic aliens with an eye patch. He’ll like that.
EVA
Oh goodness, Pat, he doesn’t need any more of your silly alien stuff. But he will be very happy to see his daddy. Go on in there and look for your suitcase.
(PAT goes off stage. EVA sits back down in her chair to watch the History Channel with IAN.)
EVA
(to IAN) Good lord Ian, what are you watching?
(IAN looks at her contemptuously through one eye)
This looks terrible. Why would you or anyone else in the world want to watch a program on the Black Death at this hour?
(Meanwhile BORISLAVA sneaks in. EVA hears her and jumps up to hug her. Her exuberant embrace throws BORISLAVA off guard and makes her drop her purse.)
EVA
(courteously over-articulates everything for the foreigner) Oh Borislava! Thank goodness you finally made it home! Pat got back early and is in there right now with little Bobby. But he’s trying to leave for…
BORISLAVA
(urgently interrupts) Um…Mom? I need…er…suitcase?
EVA
So you are going to Port Aransas with him!
BORISLAVA
Er…no, Mom…Uh… I go to Shreveport. I go with my friend.
EVA
Oh? …You’re going to Shreveport? Who’s your friend?
BORISLAVA
Mmmm…my friend… he outside. He take me to Shreveport. He want to win me big game at Boomtown.
EVA
Huh?…Well…(raising eyebrows) Why don’t you go on back to Bobby’s room too then and tell your husband you need the suitcase to go to Boomtown with your friend.
(BORISLAVA follows after Pat. EVA sees BORISLAVA’s purse on the floor and sets it on the TV. She sits back down and stares dolefully at the television with IAN.)
(She is startled and looks deeply worried when PAT and BORISLAVA are heard fighting off stage. BORISLAVA screams in an unrecognizable, Slavic-sounding language with a suddenly low, guttural voice and PAT retaliates by shouting “bitch”, “go to hell”, “it’s my fucking suitcase you slut”, etc.)
(A moment later, BORISLAVA runs back onto stage, suitcase in hand, ready to bolt out the door.)
BORISLAVA
(offstage towards PAT: continues shouting angrily at Pat in unrecognizable language and low voice as she looks for her purse)
EVA
(jumps up alarmed) Borislava! Where’re you going in such a rush? Did you even see Bobby?
BORISLAVA
(finds purse,suddenly saccharine-voiced) Yes, yes, Bobby fine Mom…Pat … he bad. I go to Boomtown with friend now…. Mmm... Pat, he go meet “alien friend.”
EVA
…What?
BORISLAVA
Bye Mom!
(BORISLAVA hurries off stage)
(PAT storms out empty-handed except for the rabbit-eared hat he’s wearing. EVA’s stunned, her hand over her mouth.)
EVA
Good lord Pat! What on earth is going on? What was she talking about?
PAT
(very angry) That… cow, she has no idea! She took everything. Who was that friend out there waiting for her? Was that that goddamn divorced foreign man she brought to the Olive Garden last month?
EVA
(trying to calm him, but still deeply worried herself) Now, now I didn’t see that man out there Pat. But, what was she talking about? And goodness, why are you wearing Bobby’s bunny hat?
PAT
I need something to protect me, and that cow took my suitcase with everything I needed for him… Ughhh! … But you just won’t understand Mom. You haven’t been paying attention to everything going on out there.
EVA
What do you mean Pat? What alien friend was she talking about?
PAT
He called me when I was in Denver.
EVA
He what?! Who is he?
PAT
He can tell me what they’re doing to us here. You see, he’s not trapped in the third dimension like us. He’s seen the places where all this shit is happening. And I’ve read so much; he knows I’m the only one that he can talk to here. I’m the only one who knows this world is just what they want us to see.
EVA
What in heaven’s name are you…do you really think you’re going to meet an alien in Port Aransas? A space man?
PAT
This guy I know from the Navy told me about him. He found him on an Illuminati website. You have no idea what’s happening in the dimensions around us. The chips they want to implant in our skulls. The drugs they give us so we can’t fight their New World Order. They cover it up so well. No one understands. But I know none of this world is real.
(PAT keeps muttering, tunes out EVA)
EVA
Oh Pat! This is all very real. This is all there is to understand: me… your father… your son… your wife. No one lives outside of this. No one gets to live outside of this. And for goodness’ sake, son, no space man in Port Aransas can help you understand this world I have to live in!
PAT
… So much of it is right there in your Bible! Do you know where your god came from? How those numbers, 11, 33, got into your DNA?
EVA
Pat! Stop!…What is this…this baloney? I can’t believe how far you’ve gone… Too many of these long drives listening to those quacks on the radio…
PAT
(muttering) Why did Noah escape the flood…so that life might yet be saved…
EVA
Good lord Pat! Please…
PAT
(Snapping out of lecture mode; realizing the time) Hmm. I gotta go now, it’s almost three and I’m gonna miss him if I’m not at the landing site by eight.
(EVA sits down in kitchen chair, stunned, silent, resigned)
PAT
Here’s the fifty bucks I owe you for Bobby’s school. Borislava was supposed to give you the other hundred when the beauty parlor paid her last week. Now where the hell did I put…(looks for keys and finds them amid Hummel figurines.)
(PAT exits.)
EVA
(as PAT leaves) Pat, when do you think you’ll be back?
(IAN is deeply asleep. EVA is alone.)
THE END